From a little rural corner of the USA, I had to take the long way ‘round.
Took me until I was 30 to realize I was a lesbian. Took me another 8 years and a trip through postmodern gender/queer theory, including a time identifying as transgender, to finally make peace with my body, my sex, and my orientation – not to mention my place in the world. The secret lies in the words of women who have been through it, in the roots of our oppression, and the truth about how perfect we are, just as we are. All of us.
Knowledge isn’t just power. It’s sometimes salvation. If this blog can do anything to keep other women from suffering as I have, I’ll do what I can.
My handle, Strayaway Woman, derives from the Celtic tune The Strayaway Child. When I was eleven or twelve I heard The Chieftain’s haunting rendition, and walked with that melody away from my family and social circle, into the woods where I felt I belonged. That feeling stayed with me a long time, no matter how I tried to incorporate myself into larger society and circles of friends, until I grew into a woman who has chosen to stray away from so many expectations, so many roles, so many standards, that it has very much become who I am.
This Soft Space 
Hello. I am curios if there are detransitioned women who are not lesbian. My daughter believes she is FtM but she also says she likes guys. Personally I don’t care who she likes and don’t think she’s had enough life experiences to even begin to make a claim one way or another. Anyway, I’m just trying to wrap my mind around why she would feel the need to become a man. What is a man? What makes a man so different from a woman? What makes him better than her? Probably way too many questions. I just hate that she hates the beautiful person she is and I’m confused about the liking boy part.
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Hi Renee. You can find the very excellent writings (and videos!) of a detransitioned woman who is straight at mariacatt.com. Sexual orientation can be very tricky and isn’t always connected to wanting to identify as another gender. For many women, wanting to be seen as a man has more to do with wanting to escape being a woman than wanting to become a man. Your daughter may be a beautiful person as a woman, but the world is still a very scary, oppressive place for young women, and some women find safety in the idea of living instead as a male “who cannot be messed with.” It seems like a free pass to a lot of self-expression that is otherwise restricted for women, in more ways than just being attracted to women.
Identifying out of womanhood is often about searching for freedom and for escape. Safety and celebration of self are really key things, and I hope you and your daughter are able to navigate the journey together.
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I am also struggling with my daughter who never showed any outward signs of wanting to be a boy or much interest in boy things until she hit puberty. She is a bright, mature for her age child, but socially a little awkward. She would be beautiful if she would try at all. She rejects this and says that she is much more herself in masculine things. I am caught between wanting to embrace her for whoever she is and being afraid that she is getting caught up in an agenda that she is too young to understand. PLEASE HELP!! Our household is not homophobic, she has role models that are lesbian but I know the larger culture is not like that.
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Hi texasmom. As long as your daughter is not denying her womanhood and saying she’s no longer female (like wanting to change pronouns, etc.) I would support her 100% in her exploration of “masculine” things! There is a wonderful community of butch/GNC women who would welcome her with open arms, and she IS beautiful just as she is. She doesn’t have to “try at all”, and being herself – no matter what she wears or who she loves or how she does her hair – is a perfectly acceptable way of being a woman.
If you see signs that she feels she has to “be a boy” in order to be herself please let her know she does not have to. https://butchfemmeculture.tumblr.com is a wonderful tumblr that shows a lot of butch/gnc positivity and history. There is a community for her to join, of women who are happy and healthy being just who they are.
https://4thwavenow.com blogs about the line between allowing children to explore gender freely and unnecessary pediatric transition, and also hosts a growing community of parents in your situation. You may find a great deal of support, resources, and information there.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best. There is a lot of growth to be had through this experience, and I have seen some wonderful things come of it. Patience and love to you both.
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